I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
