Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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