I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
