I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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