I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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