So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
