i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
