I wish my penis had an off switch
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
