mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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