I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
