my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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