I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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