I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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