i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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