Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
