hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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