he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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