I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
