i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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