I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
