ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
