I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
