I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
