Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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