Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So here I am, sexting at work.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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