Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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