my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
