thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it