Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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