Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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