Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
