I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
