You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
