Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
