I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
