It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
