my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
