The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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