nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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