My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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