there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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