I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
