Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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