either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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