I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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