Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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