Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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