Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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