used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
