hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
