The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
someone owes me an orgasm
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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