just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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