Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
